How to Help Your Child View their Condition in a Positive Way
by Kathy Eby and Colleen Zak
When you were told that your child had special needs, besides feeling shock, you were probably grief stricken and fearful. Then, as you searched the Internet and talked with other parents who have been down this path, your perspective may have changed somewhat, but you still squinted at the foggy path ahead. You would not have deliberately chosen to lead a child down this frightening road, nevertheless here you are with their little hand in yours and forward is the only direction to go.
How children respond to that path is largely dependent on you. As parents we have immeasurable influence in shaping our child’s view of the world, and how they will respond to challenges they meet. We may feel utterly helpless when our children are diagnosed with a disease, but clearly we are not. Parents more than anyone else influence how children respond and cope in life. We can bolster a healthy outlook.
Being positive about our child’s future doesn’t mean being naïve, burying our head in the sand, or pretending everything is perfect. It means facing the fact that our children have a chronic condition, and choosing to highlight aspects of their lives we have control over, by emphasizing character traits these challenges will build, and nurturing them to become wonderful human beings.
To support your child to walk this path well, here are a few thoughts:
- Don’t hide their condition from them, and always be honest with them. If they ask a question, give them an honest answer at their maturity level; yet don’t feel the need to give them more than what they asked for. Let their questions be your guide. We are nurturing children that will one day be responsible adults caring for this chronic condition.
- Speak about your child’s condition in a calm and optimistic way.
- Acknowledge your child’s fears and struggles, and your own.
- View this condition as if it were another aspect of life, rather than a condition to be endured or pitied.
- Help your child feel in control, give them sensible choices whenever possible, and as they grow, more decision making power. Appreciate their input; just as parents should be part of the medical team in decision making; the child should be heard and respected.
- Don’t scold your child for crying; it is a child’s way of expressing emotions when dealing with a difficult situation. Crying is just a phase and they will one day cooperatively sit for that blood draw or procedure.
- Consider what that ice cream treat or trip to the zoo means after a blood-draw or a procedure. You want to inspire and communicate you appreciate whatever courage, strength, and grace your child demonstrated under pressure, not that you feel sorry for them.
- Telling your child they are brave when they demonstrate bravery encourages them to be brave. This holds true for other qualities; it is a self-fulfilling prophecy and has ripple effects for others.
- Cultivate an attitude of thankfulness and discuss often what you are thankful for.
- If your child is struggling, discuss ways others have risen above and overcome difficulties in their life with determination (if they are readers, there are some great biographies to be inspired by). Let them know that other kids have struggles as well, whether it is struggling to read, struggling to make friends, or a struggle of another variety. This helps your child develop a healthy perspective on their condition.
- Don’t lose your sense of humor. Lead your child to see the lighter side. Finding humor in the face of adversity is an important skill for everyone.
- Help your child help others. Bringing joy to others invariably brings joy to our own lives. It is one of the best ways to take our minds off of our own worries and concerns.
- Always frame their struggles in a healthy way; they may be unique, but the fact that life holds difficulties is part of being human. Learning to live with this condition is a process. Our special children are privileged to have a unique perspective on patience, compassion, and wisdom that others can only be in awe of.
- Above all, give them unconditional love. Our children may fear they are a burden to you, or that you wish they were different. Tell your child they are a blessing, it is privilege to be their parent, and if a hundred children were lined up in a room, you’d pick them every time.
